


Love, Life and Self Destruction

by ShenLong



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Duo POV, Language, M/M, humor attempts, sap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-01 23:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4038478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShenLong/pseuds/ShenLong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fifteen years after the Eve war has ended, Duo and Heero are working as partners within Preventer. When an assignment goes bad, Duo feels it's time to let Heero know just how he really feels before it's too late.</p><p>AN: Written for the Endless Reflection Challenge at Fanfiction.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love, Life and Self Destruction

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. I just borrow the guys from time to time and return them a whole lot happier. Written for pleasure not profit.

Warnings: angst, language, sap, humor attempts, Duo POV

Rating: R

Pairings: 1x2x1

Betaed by Karina *snugs*

Summary: Fifteen years after the Eve war has ended, Duo and Heero are working as partners within Preventer. When an assignment goes bad, Duo feels it's time to let Heero know just how he really feels before it's too late.

AN: Written for the Endless Reflection Challenge at Fanfiction.net

 

“ Love, Life and Self Destruction“

May 2015 – ShenLong

 

“For fucks sake, give it a rest for a moment, will you?” I muttered, attempting to slot the new magazine into my gun. Seemed the bad guys weren't listening as the hail of bullets continued to rain down.

“You okay?”

I turned my head as the magazine slid home and nodded to my partner. “Yeah, I'm locked and loaded,” I replied.

“On my count. Three... two... one.”

As Heero said 'one', I gave a war cry and raised myself from my sitting position behind the packing crate and let fly with a volley of shots. Slightly to my left side, Heero was doing the same.

Having exhausted the magazine again, I dropped back behind my crate to reload. We'd been doing this for the past five minutes, but it seemed an eternity. Shoving the new magazine home I ducked on reflex as a bullet whizzed past my left ear, splinters of wood from the crate in its wake. “Shit! That was close,” I mumbled. Either our bad dudes were getting better with their aim - or desperate.

“Duo?”

I turned to look into concerned cobalt eyes. “I'm fine, Heero.”

“There's two behind the crate on the right; one high, one low. Three scattered between the two, larger crates on the left. Think you can take out the two on the right?”

I took a moment to glance around the corner of the crate, ducking back quickly when another bullet whizzed over the top of my head, ruffling my bangs. “Sure thing, buddy, but I'll need to move across to that other crate to get a good shot in.”

Heero frowned and then took a chance to peer around the side of his crate to check what I'd proposed. Another bullet sailed through the air in our direction, embedding itself in the cross beam of Heero's crate.

“They're starting to get desperate,” Heero stated flatly.

“No shit,” I replied with a roll of my eyes.

Ignoring my comment, Heero spoke again. “I'll draw their fire to enable you to get to the other crate. Once you're there, take them down as quickly as you can.”

“What about the other three?” I asked.

“Take out these two first, then we'll regroup for the other three.”

I nodded. “Ready when you are.” I turned around and crouched, inching up the back of the crate just enough to be able to see where I was going when Heero gave the word.

“Three, two, one...”

Heero began to send off several shots, the bad dudes homing in on him and doing their best to fire back. With all five momentarily distracted, I took my chance. I took off running as if the hounds of hell were on my heels, tucking and rolling the last couple of feet behind the crate. Several bullets bounced off the floor and through the air in my wake. I turned and gave Heero the thumbs up before grabbing my gun and preparing to fire.

Seeing I was ready, Heero raised his gun and started shooting once more.

I narrowed in on my two targets, deciding to take the top one out first. Squinting my eye, I locked onto my target and sent the bullet away. Immediately the bullet left the chamber I was locking onto the second target, finger closing over the trigger and gun bucking in my hand. I kept my head low but clear enough of the crate to note that both targets had been direct hits.

“Yes! Go me!” I crowed and dropped back behind the crate. My ass hit the floor and I turned to give Heero the signal that I'd taken out both targets. My partner signaled back and seconds later I was scooting back behind my original crate – unfortunately a stray bullet nicked my calf just as I scrambled back.

“Shit and damn!” I cursed, dropping my gun for a second to check out the damage, trusting Heero to cover my back for me.

“Status?!” Heero barked from behind his crate.

“Bullet graze to the calf, minor bleeding, still functional,” I replied on auto pilot. Picking up my gun, I tugged my trouser leg back down and reloaded. “How do you want to do this?” I asked with a nod of my head in the direction of the three remaining arms smugglers.

Heero didn't look too convinced with my reply as to my injury, but he had no choice but to accept it and trust me for now.

“You draw their fire and I'll see if I can get a clear shot at the one that seems to be the ringleader,” Heero replied.

“Ok, no problem.”

“Ready?” 

I nodded in reply. 

“Three... two... one.”

When Heero said 'one' I opened fire on the three men. I didn't bother to take any particular aim, just shooting in their general direction – Heero would play sniper this time. Seeing Heero drop behind the crate, I ceased firing and dropped too. “You get him?”

Heero nodded in the affirmative. 

“Wanna see if they're ready to surrender now?” I was starting to get a little fed up with the constant exchange of lead.

“This is Preventer Agent Wing. Drop your weapons, put your hands on your head and come out slowly,” Heero yelled.

I waited behind my crate, ears straining. When we'd broken in earlier, Heero had said the same words, only the group hadn't wanted to play nice and no sooner had the words left Heero's mouth than the bullets began to fly and we were ducking for cover. One could live in hope this time.

“We surrender,” came the reply. 

I heaved a sigh of relief. Looked like we might make it home in time for dinner and a movie after all.

With guns drawn, Heero and I slowly moved upwards behind our crates, fingers twitching on the triggers.

“Toss your weapons out,” Heero ordered. Seconds later two guns came skittering across the floor. “Hands above your heads and come out slowly.” Two men appeared from behind the crates, hands on their heads and looking very nervous.

Standing up, Heero began to slip around the side of his crate, gun aimed and never wavering. He motioned for me to do the same. With my own gun aimed at one of the men, I followed my partner's lead.

Kicking the discarded weapons to the side and keeping his gun trained on the bad dudes, Heero asked me to frisk them both. With my own gun still drawn, I stepped up to the first of the pair and patted him down. “Clear,” I told Heero as I moved to the second one and began to pat him down. “Clear too.”

“I'll call the backup agents in whilst you 'cuff them,” Heero said, reaching for his comm unit attached to his belt.

Whilst Heero put in the call I did as he'd requested and 'cuffed the pair. 

Clipping the comm unit back on his belt, Heero turned to address me. “Back up is on its way; ETA five minutes.”

“I'll check on the other three shall I while you keep an eye on Tweedle dumb and Tweedle dumber?” I asked with a grin.

“Yes.” Heero chose to ignore my comments.

With a shrug of my shoulders, I proceeded with caution to the crates where my two targets had fallen. I wasn't expecting either one of them to be much of a threat considering the direct hits to one shoulder and one arm, but that didn't mean I was about to let down my guard either. “Toss your weapons out,” I ordered from around the side of the crate. With the words said I waited and within a couple of seconds one gun bounced across the floor followed by a second one moments later. With my gun still drawn I cautiously moved around the side of the crate. “Keep your hands where I can see them.”

Once I'd rounded the side of the crate the pair I'd taken down earlier were sitting with their backs against the wood and looking rather sorry for themselves. One was cradling his arm against his chest, the other had one arm in the air, the other arm hanging useless by his side. “On your feet,” I told them and when it was apparent they weren't going to make it by themselves, I grabbed them one at a time and pulled them to their feet, ignoring the cries of pain from one and the muffled whimper from the other. With my gun still trained on their backs, I escorted them both to Heero and the other two.

Tossing me another pair of 'cuffs, Heero motioned to a steel pole. “Use that,” he said as it was obvious I couldn't 'cuff their hands together behind their backs due to the injuries they were sporting.

“No problem.” I placed the 'cuffs, one on each guy's undamaged wrist and then locked other end to the pole.

“The third one?” Heero asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to him, don't get your knickers in a knot, Yuy.” Checking the pair wouldn't be going anywhere in a hurry, I moved towards the crate where the third, injured man was. Keeping my gun cocked, I cautiously approached.

What greeted me when I rounded the crate turned my blood to ice. “Oh, fuck,” I muttered.

“Duo?”

Shit! I'd forgotten how good Yuy's hearing was. “Ah, Heero, we have a problem,” I said quietly, frozen to the spot. 

I felt my partner rather than saw him appear beside me. “What do you mean we have a... shit!”

“That's one way to put it,” I agreed.

Heero's target lay on the floor, semi conscious amid a slowly growing pool of blood, his gun sat off to one side, but that wasn't what had us both almost peeing our pants. Clutched in his hand was a detonator and it didn't take a genius to work out what that red button would detonate when pushed; but if one did need clarification, then the wires leading to a lump of explosive sitting innocently on the side of a crate were a dead giveaway. These were arms smugglers, Preventer had been after them for almost eighteen months now and after all that time of undercover surveillance, tracking, following and intercepting messages, it had all come down to this – and it now appeared our earlier assumption was correct - they _were_ desperate.

“Chances?” I asked.

“Zero to slim,” came the reply.

“We've had worse,” I said, trying to keep the moral up.

“It's twenty meters to the door.”

“Christ, Heero, there's no way we can sprint that distance in time.”

“You used to be able to run fast,” Heero told me.

“Yeah, but that was fifteen years ago, Yuy. I was much younger and a lot fitter then,” I growled. 

“I'll race you.”

“Eh?” I gave my partner a scathing look.

“I'll beat you too,” Heero added.

 _Oh, that bastard. He knew I wasn't one to give in on a challenge._ “Bullshit,” I returned. “There's no way you could beat me, Yuy, not with that middle aged spread,” I teased with a nod towards his still, flat stomach. For two men just into their thirties, we were both still pretty fit.

“Only one way to find out.” Yuy looked at our injured man and seeing he was still semi conscious it could buy us a little time. “Ready and go!”

I turned and sprinted as fast as I could towards the warehouse doors. My calf screamed at me for putting it through such torture when it was injured, but I ignored it. If I didn't I'd have a whole lot more than a bullet graze to worry about. It wasn't until I was almost at the doors when I realized Yuy wasn't with me. I turned to look back over my shoulder and screamed. “Heero! Noooo!”

My words were cut off by a loud explosion and everything went black.

* * * 

_That bastard. That self sacrificing, fucking bastard!_ Those were the only words that ran through my head as I stared at the body of my partner lying serenely under the sheet on the hospital bed from my wheelchair.

The arms bust had been three days ago and Heero was yet to wake up.

With the information I'd been able to drag out of the Preventer back up team, I'd managed to piece together what had happened, my own memory had been a complete blank when I woke up. Something about a knock to the head will do that to you.

When Heero had said 'go', I'd taken off like a scalded cat, only to discover that Heero wasn't with me. Apparently, Heero had decided to take his chances and try to remove the explosive from the crate it was attached to – the saying along the lines of 'the sacrifice of the one to save the many,' or something like it sprang to mind. Either way it was all bullshit to me.

It seemed that the smuggler was a little more conscious than Heero had thought and once my partner moved in to try and get to the wires, he'd drawn on the last of his reserves and pushed the button. The resulting explosion hadn't been quite as catastrophic as it could have been, Heero having managed to pull out some wires which turned out to be the ones linking the first explosive to several others.

Unfortunately the first lot of explosive was still live and went up like an adolescent's dick at a strip show.

The back up team had been about to enter the warehouse when everything went up in a spectacular fashion. They naturally ducked for cover and once the smoke had cleared, came charging in. The force of the blast had sent me flying through the air for the last five meters to the door, literally opening them with my head before I'd hit the dirt. 

Our four captives had also endured the blast and come out of it much worse than I had. The two that had been 'cuffed to the pole were now sporting a new look – body bag, black. The other two had been luckier; broken bones, a couple of gunshot wounds and several burns.

Our detonator happy smuggler had been placed into several, smaller bags and from what I gathered from the medical crew, they were having one hell of a time putting all the human jigsaw pieces back together.

Aside from the knock to my head and the bullet crease to my calf, I'd also taken some shrapnel to my legs and broken my arm when I'd hit the dirt. Guess I don't bounce as much as I used to.

And Heero?

My partner had suffered some very serious injuries. Several new bullet holes to add to his repertoire along with a broken leg, broken arm, torn liver, broken ribs, punctured lung, minor burns and a fractured skull.

“You asshole,” I muttered as I pushed the joy stick on the motorized wheelchair to bring myself next to his bed. Careful of the equipment surrounding him, I 'parked' myself as close as I could get. Reaching out, I took his hand in mine and stroked the back of it with my thumb.

“Why, Heero?” I asked, knowing I wouldn't be getting an answer. The doctors had done all they could for him medically. His body was slowly on the mend, but as for his brain? He'd been in a coma for three days now with no sign at all of waking up and the doctors didn't know if he ever would. The fracture to the skull had caused bruising of his brain and a small bleed. The bleeding had stopped and they'd removed a small part of his skull to allow the brain to swell without compressing it - and try to improve his chances of waking up – hopefully without any brain damage.

“You should have run,” I told him. “We could have made it out of there, mostly in one piece,” I muttered. Sighing to myself, I closed my eyes and slumped in the chair. The soft beeping of the heart monitor played in the background as my mind drifted back over the years to an old memory, one I thought I'd managed to lock away for good.

Despite my not wanting to relive the episode, my mind gleefully ignored me and played it anyway-

In full technicolor.

Doctor J, goggles flashing and informing OZ that he would not surrender the Gundams.

A much younger Heero standing in the open cockpit of Wing, a red button in his hand.

A bright glow, flash and then... Boom!

I awoke with a jerk, unaware that I'd fallen asleep and with tears streaming down my face. I'd watched my partner self destruct once before and literally come back from the dead. I was damned if I would watch him die a second time – especially when I needed to tell him how much he really meant to me.

They say that life is short, that you shouldn't let opportunity pass you by, tell the people you care about how much you love them as you never know what's around the corner. All of that came to me now with startling clarity. I'd avoided telling Heero for years how much I really did care for him; that I'd been in love with him since the Eve war.

We'd joined Preventer after the Mariemaia coup, neither one of us really knowing what we wanted to do with our lives. There wasn't much call for mobile suit pilots or teenage terrorists. With no plans for the future, the job offer seemed right up our alley.

We shared an apartment, figuring it would be cheaper that way. Besides, both of us still suffered from nightmares and lived on a hair trigger, not exactly the best traits to have when sharing with a 'normal' person. We fell into a comfortable routine, sharing the chores, rides to work and each other's company. Heero had never shown any interest in having a relationship of any kind, never dating – male or female – not socializing much at all and pretty much keeping to himself.

And that was the root of my problem.

Rather than risk losing his friendship I'd kept my feelings to myself.

“Heero, you bastard, you'd better not die on me. You'd better wake up soon, buddy as I've got a bone to pick with you,” I muttered. “Of all the stupid, idiotic things to do. This isn't the war anymore, you don't need to sacrifice yourself, play the martyr and self destruct. We have a life now. For Christs sake, Heero. I watched you self destruct once. I - I can't go through that again, I just can't. Oh, god, Heero. Come back to me, please. I – I love you, man.”

I sat with my head lowered as I spoke, unsure of how much time was passing, all I knew was I needed to get this off my chest once and for all. As I sat, mouth mumbling away I slowly became aware of something.

At first I wasn't sure if I'd felt it or not. Stilling my tongue, I sat quietly, every sense on full alert.

There, it happened again. Just the slightest twitch of movement from his hand that I now held within my own.

“Heero? Heero?” I said softly, eyes watching his face. I noted there seemed to be a bit of movement beneath those eyelids.

I squeezed his hand in encouragement. “Heero, that's it, buddy. Come back to me,” I cajoled.

Those eyelids began to flutter, slowly but surely blinking open until I could gaze upon those baby blues once more.

“Thank god!” I murmured. “Heero, it's me, Duo.”

“Duo?”

The tears began to run afresh. His voice was raspy from disuse, but to me it was like an angel's song. “Yeah, Heero. I'm here.” 

“Duo?” he said again.

That's when it dawned on me that from my position beside the bed in the wheelchair, he couldn't see me. Not giving a damn about my injuries, I began to wriggle my way out of the wheelchair, legs and good arm protesting as I pushed myself to a standing position. I swayed for a moment, gained my equilibrium and carefully turned so I could look right at him. “I'm here, Heero,” I repeated.

Those intense, blue eyes landed on me and slowly focused. I watched as his eyes traversed my battered body, noting the confusion that resided in them until he raised them once more and locked with my own.

“You're hurt.”

“Nah, just a few flesh wounds. You think this is bad, you want to see the other guy,” I said with a chuckle, trying to diffuse the tension that had suddenly appeared in the room.

Heero frowned, obviously searching his memory. I gathered he came up blank as once again he locked gazes with me. “I'm in hospital.” I nodded. “I'm hurt” I nodded again. “What happened?”

“Well-”

“No bullshit, Duo,” Heero cut me off.

“Okay, no bullshit,” I concurred. “Let me sit down though, this is gonna take a while and I'm not sure how much longer I can stay standing.” I sighed, managed to get myself back into the wheelchair and pulled a little closer to the bed. Heero turned his head to look at me expectantly.

“We were on assignment...”

It took me almost half an hour to reiterate what had happened, from our entering the building to the doctors telling me there wasn't anything further they could do for Heero. By the time I'd finished I'd worked myself up again, the pain of nearly losing him hitting me really hard.

“Why, Heero?”

My question must have taken him by surprise. His brows knitted together and he got that cute, 'I don't have a clue what you're talking about,' look on his face. “Why what?' he asked.

“Why the hell didn't you run? Why did you have to risk your life yet again? Do you have any idea of the damn pain and anguish you put me through? This isn't the war any more, Heero. We're not fifteen any more either, we're thirty two years old, grown men with lives to live. You don't have to sacrifice yourself.”

“He was going to blow everything up.” 

“So what?! That didn't mean you had to jump in there and save the world again!” 

“It's my job and no one would miss me,” Heero said quietly and lowered his eyes.

“I would!” I stated hotly, desperately trying to keep my tears at bay. Boys don't cry – grown men do - apparently. ”For fucks sake, Heero. I watched you self destruct once before, I can't – I can't watch you do it again,” I whispered and lowered my head to scrub my eyes with my uninjured hand.

“You'd miss me?” Heero asked, clearly bewildered by my outburst.

“Yeah, you big lump.”

“I've hurt you.”

Despite my conscience screaming at me not to, I raised my head. Heero reached out awkwardly and grazed his knuckles across my wet cheek. Bringing his knuckles to his face, he studied the wetness for a moment before turning his eyes back to mine.

“You care,” he stated simply.

“Yeah, Heero. I care,” I sighed.

“Why?”

 _Ah, crap._ Having warred with my inner feelings for so long I was suddenly tired of fighting what I felt. It was time to come clean, 'fess up and if that saw the end of our friendship, then so be it; but I had to let Heero know that I did care what happened to him, that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without him in it. If he decided he didn't want to know me afterwards, then so be it, at least he would know that someone gave a damn about whether he lived or died.

“Heero,” I began, choosing my words carefully. “I – I care a lot about you, ever since the Eve war I've cared about you, wanted nothing more than to see you happy. That first time you self destructed it nearly killed me. When I watched Wing deteriorate around you during the Mariemaia coup it damn near ripped my heart out. That's when I realized that I cared for you in more than a friend kind of way. I didn't want to ruin our friendship by revealing what I felt, I was happy just to be near you. But this time...” I paused to lick my dry lips. “This time, to see you almost throw your life away yet again, I knew I had to tell you how I felt. Have you any idea how much it hurts to watch the person you love treat their own life with such little regard?” I risked a look at my partner.

Heero was locked deep in thought, his eyes took on a faraway look for a moment before focusing once again. “I can tell you from personal experience that self destructing doesn't get any less painful as you get older,” he said dryly.

“You asshole.” I gave him the grin he was looking for.

“Duo, I had no idea you felt that way. Why didn't you say something sooner?”

“I wasn't sure how you felt about same sex couples, hell any type of relationship for that matter; you never said or indicated anything at all along those lines. I didn't want to ruin our friendship by telling you I was gay and attracted to you.”

“You know I have a hard time with emotions, Duo.”

“Yeah, I know.” I looked up into his eyes. “I guess that now you know how I feel, you want me to move out?”

“No.”

“Huh?”

“Duo, as you've said yourself on many occasions, I'm socially inept, emotionally repressed and now it seems suicidal too.”

“Hey! Don't you lump all that on me,” I protested.

Heero gave me a small smile. “I can't say that this would work, I've no idea what to expect from a relationship, but the one thing I do know is that I'm not opposed to same sex couples, especially if the other person is you.”

“Then you mean...” I waved my hand in the air, words escaping me for the moment as my brain scrambled to process what Heero was offering.

“Yes, Duo. I'm willing to give this a try if you are.”

 _Well glory be!_ “A - are you sure?”

“I don't like it when I hurt you, it makes me hurt too. I do warn you, I have no clue at all when it comes to a relationship.”

“Don't worry, Heero. I'm sure we will figure it out as we go along.” I gave him a warm smile and reached for his hand, entwining our fingers together.

“That feels nice,” Heero said and gave a yawn.

“You get some rest, buddy. There's a long road to recovery ahead of you, hell me too, but we'll do it together,” I said and raised our joined hands to my lips where I pressed a kiss to the back of Heero's hand. “No more self destructing either.”

I was rewarded with a soft smile and a nod as blue eyes disappeared behind eyelids and Heero drifted off.

Yeah, it would be a huge leap of faith on both our parts and no doubt the road would be a rocky one at times, but we had to start somewhere – and removing all the self destruction reasons seemed to be as good a place to start as any.

~ * ~


End file.
